Friday, January 18, 2013

Sports Discourse

    First base for small talk among males: sports. "Did you catch the game last night?" I didn't. "Who's gonna win the super bowl?" Not a clue. "Who's your favorite team?" I don't have one. It's not that I don't enjoy sporting events, I played little league baseball for years. I just have more important things to care about. If there happens to be a game on, especially football, I'll watch, I'll get into and enjoy myself. But will I ever go out of my way for a sports team? Hell, no. Will I ignore my wife for a sports team? Even more vehemently no.
    It's a staple of sitcoms, beer commercials and comedy routines, the husband or boyfriend who just wants to watch the game, and his favorite lady keeps bothering him, tearing his attention from the screen. To me it's an easy situation, one that doesn't cause me the least stress. How can I put this, my wife... does...certain things with me behind closed doors that I enjoy and she would not want detailed online. Suffice it to say these activities are much more fulfilling than whatever game happens to be on TV. I have no hesitation in admitting this, and it is a decision I will stand by. I see friends, family members, casual acquaintances and total strangers who invest a great deal of time and money following everything some team like a lost puppy. If their team won, they are happy for days, and they get dpressed after a big loss. They plaster decals on their car like a tramp stamp, and proudly wear shirts with another man's name on them. Fanatics even gouge their skin and fill it with ink, a tattoo to show everyone that even if they are naked, they still love the Yankees or the Lakers or the Steelers.
    And this is somehow considered normal, cool even, among other men. And people like me are branded as whipped or gay or a pussy for not following a favored team of muscley, sweaty men. If you ask me about my favorite team, I will ask you what your favorite team is. My favorite team is whoever is playing against your favorite team. I have more important things to get worked up about. So feel free to call me gay if it makes you feel better about idolizing 63 men in matching outfits. I'll be at home fucking my wife.

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